XXIII -NS

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m right back to day one and it hurts knowing that I’m actually not sad because of it… I’m happy. Knowing that’s how I honest to God feel instead of anger means that I’m in more trouble than I’m aware of. Having this building up inside of me because I’m a coward. I know if I tell someone they’ll see. They’ll see me, all of me. They’ll see each day I’ve had to face and all the pain I’ve went through and they’ll pity me. But that’s the last thing I want because I don’t deserve it. It’s my own fault and what I’m doing because of it. And that isn’t me. I’m supposed to be a happy person. I’m supposed to be the one who can easily bring herself back up. I’m supposed to be simple minded and air headed and bubbly and happy. But it isn’t me I’m actually smart but smart enough to know how this is going to end and the only part that is honest is because I’ve learned to block it all out. I shouldn’t be having all these feelings. I just want them all to go away.